by BrianLion
You might remember that at this time last year I warned you about the different characters you’d encounter at your fantasy draft. That, my young Padawans, was only the first lesson. This year, I’m back to give you the lowdown on the draft itself, and what you should and should not be doing with your league when the big day arrives. (I’m assuming, of course, that your league will draft together as a group, in person; if you only participate in online drafts, you’re missing much of the point, but that’s another article). So whether you’re the sucker stuck running your league’s draft, or just the poor schlub with the last pick, you’ll want to heed my every word. After all, draft day is the day you look forward to all year, right? Don’t screw this up!
DO have ten or 12 teams in your league. These 6- or 8-team leagues I’ve seen are a joke, where even the guys on the waiver wire are studs. These leagues are like those cartoons where Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck stand at close range, shooting each other in the face with cannons. There’s no skill involved! Everyone just points their big guns at everyone else and hopes for the best. If you need more friends, put up a post in the forums! Conversely, anything larger than 12 teams is just too much. I’ve been in some of these 14-, 16-, and even 20-team leagues, and, I’m sorry, if I have no choice but to draft and start a Bears wide receiver or a Texans running back, I’m taking my ball and going home. Find a balance, people. Ten to 12 teams is just the right size.
DON’T hold your draft any earlier than the third week of the preseason. Hey, we’re all excited as hell for the football season, but there’s no reason to jump the gun and suffer from “premature draft-ulation.” There’s still way too much left up in the air at this point. The starters haven’t played enough meaningful time, position battles are still going on, and guys are going to get hurt in the last couple games. It’s just too early. Hell, even the Cardinals still look good! If you must get your fix, head over to Mock Draft Central and practice. Sure, it’s the nonalcoholic beer of fantasy drafts, but you’re just looking for a taste anyway. And you won’t be making any mistakes that you’ll have to live with all year. I’m looking at you, guy who took Willis McGahee in the second round on July 28. (Oh, but don’t worry, running backs with bad knees always come back strong, and right away. Promise.)
DO hold your draft at a restaurant or bar. Many establishments are actually catering to fantasy football drafts nowadays, offering private rooms, specials on food and drinks, and reliable WiFi access. That’s friggin’ clutch, because then you don’t have to spend five hours cramped with 11 other dudes in a basement swamped with mildew and beer farts. You also don’t have to worry about spilled beverages, missed toilets, and your bitterest rivals knowing where you live. The only downside is the potential cost, but if you can’t pony up for the single most important day of the season, it might be time for a little heart-to-heart with your balls. Call it a “gut check”—whatever. This is an investment in your season.
DON’T hold your draft at a strip bar! Yes, a lot of them are offering attractive packages, but therein lies the one major drawback: distraction. This applies to places like Hooters, too. Some of the troglodytes in your league have enough trouble concentrating during drafts on your back patio while your neighbor’s wife weeds her garden. How are they going to cope with Melissa Midwest gyrating in front of the draft board? (I’ll wait while you Google her….Finished?) If you do go this route, don’t blame me when you end up drafting John David Booty, Reggie Bush, Jerious Norwood, Steve Breaston, James Hardy, and Neil Rackers. (Sensing a theme here?)
DO make your league a points-per-reception league. Take back some of the power from the running backs in your draft, and screw the yardage purists. Sure, RB’s will still be by far the most valuable players in your league, since all but Rudi Johnson will also benefit from the PPR scoring, but it adds another wrinkle to your strategy, and it may make for some tougher (and occasionally easier) decisions on draft day. I even recommend tossing in some bonus scoring, too.
DON’T make your league an individual defensive player league. I know, you’re a savvy fan and IDP leagues let you prove it to your buddies. But you’ll soon realize the error of your ways, having extended your draft by 11 roster spots and, more importantly, about three hours. While you’re at it, why not draft offensive linemen and punters? Get yourself a backup long snapper in the thirty-ninth round. It’s called “fantasy football” for a reason, professor. If you want a true simulation, play Head Coach 09.
DO collect all of your league fees before the start of your draft. I don’t care how easygoing you want to be, you need to get all payments up front. Everybody knows at least one of those “spot me now and I’ll pay you later” guys. Accommodate him, and the next thing you know, you’re getting every excuse in the book. He has to pay child support. His strung-out sister needs “medicine.” A relative of deposed Nigerian royalty cleaned out his bank account. Then November rolls around, his team is 1-9, and he’s lost all interest in the league. Good luck collecting. Screw that! Nobody drafts before they pay up. Somebody forgot his wallet? Enact a Goodfellas-style pistol-whipping in the driveway—you know, as a reminder for next year.
DON’T play in a league with your spouse or girlfriend. Look, I love my wife dearly. I’d take a bullet for her, but we’ll never play in a fantasy league together. There’s sharing common interests, and then there’s surrendering your most precious men-only outlet. This is the latter. Every guy needs an escape where he can act like an ass, string together obscure movie references, and discuss the finer points of good cleavage in his most colorful language. Even if you’re the lucky SOB who found someone so special that she can roll with this, her presence will stifle other league members. Trades can look like collusion, you’ll never hear the end of it if she beats you (oh, and she will), and God help you in the bedroom after you run some smack her way on the league Web site. You wouldn’t sleep with the dudes in your league, so don’t play fantasy football with your lady. It’s not cute. Or maybe it is. And maybe that’s the worst part.
So there you have it. Commit these rules to memory, follow them to the letter, and you’ll enjoy a more rewarding fantasy football experience. Besides, you can still go the nudie bar after the draft.
As always, feel free to post your own ideas in the forums.
Things only got worse from there. In round five, the autodraft treated him to Shaun Alexander. Yes, THAT Shaun Alexander. Round six was much better with a Tony Gonzalez pick at TE…early but at least he’s on a roster. In round seven, the autodraft got caught up in a kicker run, and landed Adam Vinatieri. Again, waaay early, but he’s on a team at least.