Don't Be a Tool

I’ve been mock drafting for weeks now. I guess I’ve done about 80 mock drafts thus far, on just about all of the sites that offer them. That’s a lot of freakin’ drafts, ladies! Sometimes I have two going at the same time. I was thinking that nothing could happen to me this draft season that I hadn’t seen…at least twice. Boy was I wrong. Really wrong.

My first draft of the season was a little family league I decided to run so that my 8-year-old can cut his teeth on this thing. My sister and her boyfriend are in it (he’s a Bears fan for f*ck’s sake), my wife is in it. It’s as far from being a serious league as a league can get. Before the draft, my wife took a picture of all of us for a scrapbook page. Testosterone and estrogen were battling for space at this table, believe you me! Anyway, that’s how “not serious” this deal was. Still, you have certain expectations and assumptions about how things are going to go. Wrong again, asshat! First pick…Peyton Manning! Holy Christ, let me check the calendar…is it 2006? My son Rob picks next, and he takes CJ (Rob is 12 and a grizzled vet of this thing we call fantasy football). My younger son James is next and grabs Rodgers (yeah, I know. But, it was his first ever pick, and I didn’t think that his young mind would grasp the nuances of the Magic Formula. I let it go). After that, things looked almost normal…a ton of RBs go off the board, some questionable reaches, some WRs go, etc., just like a real draft. Then James goes Philly D in the 5th (I really, really need to talk to this boy). Then my wife started drafting players based solely on how interesting their names are. She ended up with Ochocinco, Brent Celek, Eli, Housh (”oh, I gotta take WhoseYourMamma!”), Shiancoe (yes, I told the story), and Aromashodu. My sister said a name that I’d never heard of…somebody named Logan Something. I have no idea what list she was looking at, but it wasn’t mine.

It’s only a 6-team league, so every team is at least okay. Winner gets $4, second gets $2. Sweet!

My team:

QB Philip Rivers
Kevin Kolb

RB Adrian Peterson
Steven Jackson
DeAngelo Williams
Shonn Green
Ahmad Bradshaw
CJ Spiller

WR Randy Moss
Miles Austin
Calvin Johnson
Roddy White
Michael Crabtree

TE Antonio Gates
Jermaine Gresham

K Gostkowski

DEF Jets

———

Tonight was my first “real” draft. Some vets, some novices, but a decent chunk of change on the line. Well, enough to get a nice lunch and a few beers…and enough to keep a guy’s interest. Only one person is on autodraft (the draft conflicted with some activity or other called “storytime”…something to do with kids, I think). The league is on Yahoo! and some of you may know that there are big numbers that count down 3 - 2 - 1 to enter the draft.
3 … I could feel the season beginning. My first real online draft of the year. No more mocks!
2 … The preseason was f*cking over! It was time to get serious!
1 … The time for bullsh*t had passed, and crunch time had begun! I had a semi!

And then the person with the first pick selects Andre Johnson. She’s a Texans fan, you see. F*ck me.

My team:

QB Joe Flacco
Ben Roethlisberger

RB Frank Gore
DeAngelo Williams
Ahmad Bradshaw
Beanie Wells
Justin Forsett
Toby Gerhart

WR Roddy White
Anquan Boldin
Mike Wallace
Devin Aromashodu
Eddie Royal
Dexter McCluster

TE Brent Celek

K David Buelher

DEF Cincinatti

Oh well, I have 6 more drafts in the next two weeks, but before then, I KNOW I can get some mock drafts in…against a computer, I hope.

So far I have bought every Fantasy Football mag I’ve come across. Seven so far, and I know that The Fantasy Index is coming soon. I’m hoping that the Index doesn’t fall into the same trap that the rest of these rags, er, mags have fallen into: Basing this year’s rankings on last year’s stats. Yeah, I know…it’s the most recent set of data that can be applied to this little endeavor of ours. At least the latest hard data. There are intangibles, of course: Coaching changes, player moves…retirements and suspensions, etc. But that info doesn’t seem to be factored in. Almost no imagination is used, it seems.

Here is my magazine stack of mediocrity:

• Pro Football Weekly and Yahoo! Sports Fantasy Football Guide 2010
• Fantasy League Football
• Sporting News Fantasy Football
• NFL.com Fantasy Football 2010 Preview
• Fox Sports Fantasy Football (with scout.com)
• ESPN Fantasy Football 2010
• Lindy’s Sports Fantasy Football 2010

Most of these mags are filled with dreck, but the one exception is Lindy’s. While I questioned some of the rankings (no shock), I really enjoyed the article about how RBs are STILL the key to winning in Fantasy Football. The mock draft didn’t feature a QB pick until 2:10! If you are itching for a beach read, find this mag, and use the others for tp.

There are two QBs leading the way this year in the mags: Drew Brees and Aaron Rodgers. Turns out that AR had a great second half last year, and that helps him top more than a couple lists. Not mine. I’ll take some proven production, thank you…I’ll take Drew Brees as my top guy.

1. Drew Brees
2. Peyton Manning
3. Aaron Rodgers
4. Philip Rivers
5. Matt Schaub
6. Tom Brady
7. Matt Ryan
8. Tony Romo
9. Brett Favre
10. Joe Flacco
11. Kevin Kolb
12. Jay Cutler
13. Donovan McNabb
14. Eli Manning
15. Carson Palmer

There is no way in hell that CJ posts numbers like that again. So there is no way that I can make him my top guy. Again…proven consistency gets my nod for the top spot.

1. Adrian Peterson
2. Chris Johnson
3. MJD
4. Ray Rice
5. Michael Turner
6. Rashard Mendenhall
7. Cedric Benson
8. Steven Jackson
9. Frank Gore
10. DeAngelo Williams
11. Shonn Greene
12. Pierre Thomas
13. Ryan Grant
14. Jamaal Charles
15. Beanie Wells

Since Andre Johnson is ranked as the top WR in EVERY mag, I wanted to find a reason to push him to second. Couldn’t. He has the QB, he has the consistency, he has the intangibles.

1. Andre Johnson
2. Larry Fitzgerald
3. Roddy White
4. Randy Moss
5. Reggie Wayne
6. Miles Austin
7. Vincent Jackson
8. Calvin Johnson
9. Brandon Marshall
10. DeSean Jackson
11. Sidney Rice
12. Greg Jennings
13. Steve Smith (NYG)
14. Marques Colston
15. Michael Crabtree

Last year, Dallas Clark was ranked somewhere near the bottom of the top 10 for TEs. I had no idea why. He was a huge target in the top pass offense in the league…so I ranked him #1. All he did was have a record-breaking year: He is the only TE to catch 100 balls for 1000+ yds and have 10 TDs. So, of course, he’s ranked #1 this year on every list so far. But not mine.

1. Vernon Davis
2. Dallas Clark
3. Antonio Gates
4. Brent Celek
5. Jermichael Finley
6. Tony Gonzalez
7. Jason Witten
8. Zack Miller
9. Owen Daniels
10. Chris Cooley

All of these lists are obviously incomplete, and are subject to constant change. I will discuss my reasoning for some of the seemingly outlandish choices during our pre-season shows (the first of which will be July 15).

I look forward to your comments.

Or: How the Autodraft made one player its bitch.

It was a weird draft to begin with. There was a huge run on RBs after I grabbed Addai with the 1:5 pick, so by the time the snake got back around to me in round two, there was absolutely no round two RB value left. I had to go WR (Reggie Wayne). Same thing in Round three…WR (Andre Johnson). In round four, I had to go RB, so I grabbed Turner…then got Run dMc in round 5. Magic formula complete. But enough about me…

At some point, one of the drafters left the room for some reason, leaving autodraft on. His first few picks were ok, but nothing to write home about. Peyton in round one…Ocho Cinco in round two…Holt in round three. I finally realized that he had ducked out when he picked Eli in round four. Eli and Peyton both have week 4 byes. The AUTODRAFT had kicked in.

Things only got worse from there. In round five, the autodraft treated him to Shaun Alexander. Yes, THAT Shaun Alexander. Round six was much better with a Tony Gonzalez pick at TE…early but at least he’s on a roster. In round seven, the autodraft got caught up in a kicker run, and landed Adam Vinatieri. Again, waaay early, but he’s on a team at least.

The autodraft must have found its stride then, because the next few picks, while questionable, were at least reasonable. Rudi in round eight, the Bears D in round nine, and Javon Walker in round ten. Then it all went to hell. Autodraft picked Henry in round eleven. Not Chris Henry. TRAVIS Henry. Autodraft then decided that this poor bastard needed a backup TE, so it went and got Alge in round 12, who has the same bye week as Tony G. Thanks autodraft!

Nothing like having a backup kicker, just in case, right? Autodraft thinks so, so my man got Robbie Gould in round 13. At least his bye week is different than Vinatieri’s! Unfortunately, you can’t say the same thing for the backup D that autodraft got for my bud in round 14…the Broncos! Week 8 bye…same as the Bears. DOH!

Let’s do a small recap. On this guy’s roster, he has Shaun Alexander and Travis Henry, two RBs that (as of this writing) are not on a team. One of them WON’T be on a team this year for certain (smoke up, Travis!), and the other probably shouldn’t be. What could make matters worse, you ask? You got it! Cedric Benson was nabbed with the round 15 pick. You ROCK autodraft!

The good news is, autodraft recognized that it made an error in grabbing a backup QB that had the same bye week as the starter, so it graciously opted for a third QB in round 16. Alex Smith! Woohoo!

Round 17 was a relatively benign little choice of Darrell Jackson from Denver. After all that tasty autodraft goodness, it seems almost…anti-climatic.

Watch this guy win the whole damn league.