Don't Be a Tool

At this time, I’d like you all to join me in a moment of silence for Tom Brady’s knee and about a million and a half fantasy teams worldwide. Just less than eight minutes into the new NFL season that we’d been anticipating like children at Christmastime, everything came to a crashing halt, both for “Tom Terrific” and for all those fantasy owners who’d drafted him for their squads, in many cases, just days prior. Regarding Mr. Brady, I truly feel sorry for him. He’s a great player and the league will be worse off without one of its marquee stars. But hey, at least he’s got his three Vince Lombardi trophies, stacks of money, and one of the hottest women on the planet to keep him company for the next 12 months. For those of you who drafted him for your fantasy teams, well, I have no such sympathies, and you have no such women. We warned you.

Now, you may have chalked up the whole thing to happenstance and a fluke play on Bernard Pollard’s part (unless you’re Randy Moss, that is). However, I have no doubt that the fantasy gods saw what was going on in drafts this year and were very displeased. Mr. Pollard was simply the tool with which they chose to smite the fantasy infidels. (No, Mr. Pollard, I didn’t just call you a tool; well, not a “tool.”) The fantasy gods are vengeful gods. It might be time to consider sacrificing a virgin. (Not to advocate suicide for so many of you. I kid, I kid.)?

But we warned you about the pitfalls of taking a quarterback in the first round of your draft. We hit you with all kinds of stats, trends, historical analysis, and enough “magic formulas” to make Walt Disney blush. We told you that a QB coming off one of the greatest seasons in NFL history had nowhere to go but down, and that wasn’t even taking the risk of injury into account. But nooooo, you just couldn’t resist, could you? You couldn’t say no to Brady’s rugged good looks, his babe impregnating prowess, and his fancy-schmancy 50 touchdown passes from 2007 (passes, mind you, worth nothing this year). You had to have him. So much so, that his average draft position on many sites this summer was as high as fifth or sixth overall. Ridiculous.

And now what do you do? Hopefully you grabbed another decent QB, but I?m guessing you didn’t, because you probably spent the next seven or eight draft picks on running backs, wide receivers, and early tight ends to try to cover up the cascading holes you created by taking Brady in the first round. Your backup QB is (if you’re lucky!) likely of the Jason Campbell, Jon Kitna ilk. You also probably said to yourself, “Who cares about the one bye week if I’m rolling Brady the other 12?” Well, now you care. And now you’ll be rueing that Brady pick for the next 12 weeks, as other teams beat you like a Tibetan monk at a Chinese police picnic.

Some of you are probably getting defensive, saying, “The RB I would’ve drafted in the first round could’ve been injured just as easily.” And to you I’d say: Well, he wasn’t. Not yet at least. And if he was, at least you?d still have a top QB to rely on, as opposed to now, when you’re stuck with a lower-tier QB and, at best, second- and third-round RBs. Trust me on this. I drafted Shaun Alexander with the eighth overall pick last year and still made it to the second round of the playoffs because I drafted Brady in the third round! You can survive the loss of a big RB, especially if your league is configured with flex spots, etc., that compel you to draft depth at the skill positions.

But am I saying this is an injury that’s impossible to recover from? No, not at all. The best and brightest among you will recover from the loss and go on to successful seasons, assuming you hit on some sleepers and can make a couple clutch free agent pickups. Trust me, I know. I?m a guy who owned Brady last year and got knocked out of the playoffs by a team that started Sage “The Jewish Rifle” Rosenfels at QB in Week 15. You don’t need a top guy to win, just a hot guy. (Wait…you know what I mean.) The point is, it’s only week two, bye weeks haven’t even started yet, and you’re stuck cringing at your new number one QB?s matchup while sifting through the fantasy dumpster, trying to decide if Matt Cassel can actually do anything that doesn’t involve a clipboard, or if Vince Young is totally batshit crazy? That?s the type of thing you want to be doing for speculation’s sake, for fun, not out of desperation.

Suddenly fantasy football seems a little less fun, doesn’t it? Unless you’re one of the 11 owners in your league who didn’t draft Brady. In that case, you?re probably basking in the schadenfreude and finding this article infinitely more amusing. Remember, kids, take an RB in the first round next year.

It’s the will of the Gods!!

by BrianLion

You might remember that at this time last year I warned you about the different characters you’d encounter at your fantasy draft. That, my young Padawans, was only the first lesson. This year, I’m back to give you the lowdown on the draft itself, and what you should and should not be doing with your league when the big day arrives. (I’m assuming, of course, that your league will draft together as a group, in person; if you only participate in online drafts, you’re missing much of the point, but that’s another article). So whether you’re the sucker stuck running your league’s draft, or just the poor schlub with the last pick, you’ll want to heed my every word. After all, draft day is the day you look forward to all year, right? Don’t screw this up!

DO have ten or 12 teams in your league. These 6- or 8-team leagues I’ve seen are a joke, where even the guys on the waiver wire are studs. These leagues are like those cartoons where Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck stand at close range, shooting each other in the face with cannons. There’s no skill involved! Everyone just points their big guns at everyone else and hopes for the best. If you need more friends, put up a post in the forums! Conversely, anything larger than 12 teams is just too much. I’ve been in some of these 14-, 16-, and even 20-team leagues, and, I’m sorry, if I have no choice but to draft and start a Bears wide receiver or a Texans running back, I’m taking my ball and going home. Find a balance, people. Ten to 12 teams is just the right size.

DON’T hold your draft any earlier than the third week of the preseason. Hey, we’re all excited as hell for the football season, but there’s no reason to jump the gun and suffer from “premature draft-ulation.” There’s still way too much left up in the air at this point. The starters haven’t played enough meaningful time, position battles are still going on, and guys are going to get hurt in the last couple games. It’s just too early. Hell, even the Cardinals still look good! If you must get your fix, head over to Mock Draft Central and practice. Sure, it’s the nonalcoholic beer of fantasy drafts, but you’re just looking for a taste anyway. And you won’t be making any mistakes that you’ll have to live with all year. I’m looking at you, guy who took Willis McGahee in the second round on July 28. (Oh, but don’t worry, running backs with bad knees always come back strong, and right away. Promise.)

DO hold your draft at a restaurant or bar. Many establishments are actually catering to fantasy football drafts nowadays, offering private rooms, specials on food and drinks, and reliable WiFi access. That’s friggin’ clutch, because then you don’t have to spend five hours cramped with 11 other dudes in a basement swamped with mildew and beer farts. You also don’t have to worry about spilled beverages, missed toilets, and your bitterest rivals knowing where you live. The only downside is the potential cost, but if you can’t pony up for the single most important day of the season, it might be time for a little heart-to-heart with your balls. Call it a “gut check”—whatever. This is an investment in your season.

DON’T hold your draft at a strip bar! Yes, a lot of them are offering attractive packages, but therein lies the one major drawback: distraction. This applies to places like Hooters, too. Some of the troglodytes in your league have enough trouble concentrating during drafts on your back patio while your neighbor’s wife weeds her garden. How are they going to cope with Melissa Midwest gyrating in front of the draft board? (I’ll wait while you Google her….Finished?) If you do go this route, don’t blame me when you end up drafting John David Booty, Reggie Bush, Jerious Norwood, Steve Breaston, James Hardy, and Neil Rackers. (Sensing a theme here?)

DO make your league a points-per-reception league. Take back some of the power from the running backs in your draft, and screw the yardage purists. Sure, RB’s will still be by far the most valuable players in your league, since all but Rudi Johnson will also benefit from the PPR scoring, but it adds another wrinkle to your strategy, and it may make for some tougher (and occasionally easier) decisions on draft day. I even recommend tossing in some bonus scoring, too.

DON’T make your league an individual defensive player league. I know, you’re a savvy fan and IDP leagues let you prove it to your buddies. But you’ll soon realize the error of your ways, having extended your draft by 11 roster spots and, more importantly, about three hours. While you’re at it, why not draft offensive linemen and punters? Get yourself a backup long snapper in the thirty-ninth round. It’s called “fantasy football” for a reason, professor. If you want a true simulation, play Head Coach 09.

DO collect all of your league fees before the start of your draft. I don’t care how easygoing you want to be, you need to get all payments up front. Everybody knows at least one of those “spot me now and I’ll pay you later” guys. Accommodate him, and the next thing you know, you’re getting every excuse in the book. He has to pay child support. His strung-out sister needs “medicine.” A relative of deposed Nigerian royalty cleaned out his bank account. Then November rolls around, his team is 1-9, and he’s lost all interest in the league. Good luck collecting. Screw that! Nobody drafts before they pay up. Somebody forgot his wallet? Enact a Goodfellas-style pistol-whipping in the driveway—you know, as a reminder for next year.

DON’T play in a league with your spouse or girlfriend. Look, I love my wife dearly. I’d take a bullet for her, but we’ll never play in a fantasy league together. There’s sharing common interests, and then there’s surrendering your most precious men-only outlet. This is the latter. Every guy needs an escape where he can act like an ass, string together obscure movie references, and discuss the finer points of good cleavage in his most colorful language. Even if you’re the lucky SOB who found someone so special that she can roll with this, her presence will stifle other league members. Trades can look like collusion, you’ll never hear the end of it if she beats you (oh, and she will), and God help you in the bedroom after you run some smack her way on the league Web site. You wouldn’t sleep with the dudes in your league, so don’t play fantasy football with your lady. It’s not cute. Or maybe it is. And maybe that’s the worst part.

So there you have it. Commit these rules to memory, follow them to the letter, and you’ll enjoy a more rewarding fantasy football experience. Besides, you can still go the nudie bar after the draft.

As always, feel free to post your own ideas in the forums.

Fantasy football draft season is upon us. That wonderful time of the year when groups of men (and sometimes women) come together to commiserate in cramped quarters, imbibe large quantities of discount alcohol, and select their pretend football teams that will register them M.I.A. from their families for 17 straight Sundays. Simple as it may sound, there’s a lot of psychology that goes into an event like this, and you’ve got to know who you’re up against and what they might pull; lest your suffer the ultimate humiliation of getting your butt kicked by a guy who looks like Milton from Office Space.

But fear not! That’s where I come in: To help you identify the different personalities at your draft, avoid their dastardly schemes, and ultimately crush them like the pathetic excuses for carbon lifeforms that they are. You wouldn’t go into your draft without knowing the NFL players, and the same goes for knowing the cast of characters in your league. You may not have all of these guys in your league, but chances are good that you’ve got a majority of them in there. Heck, you may even BE one of them. But beware because some people can fall into multiple categories. Others can undergo a metamorphosis from one to the other. So be on your toes. Study this list well, know it thoroughly, and use it to your advantage come draft day. Insignificant amounts of money and pride depend on it!!!

The Novice – this is the “new guy” to fantasy football in your league. He usually shows up to the draft with various forms of crinkled paper jammed into one of the lower quality fantasy magazines and a No. 2 pencil in his ear. He’s usually one of the last guys to show up at the draft and takes forever to make his picks, even the early obvious ones. He’s also the one who usually tries to pick guys that were drafted 6 round prior. (Yeah, it’s Round 12 and everyone else must’ve missed Antonio Gates!) After his first 2 seasons in the league if this behavior continues he then becomes what’s known as The Idiot. His mortal enemy at the draft is The Intimidator. More on him later.

Hometown Charlie – this is the guy who shows up to your draft decked out in the full regalia of his favorite NFL team. Sure, one piece of team swag is acceptable for everyone on draft day, but anything more than that and you’ve got the tell-tale signs of a good ole HC. This is the guy who overvalues players on his favorite NFL team so much so that he drafts them one to two rounds too early. (Patriots gear you say? You KNOW he’s taking Tom Brady in Round 2.) But gear alone does not an HC make. Depending on your geographic location, there’s a high likelihood that players from the local franchise are bumped up in value by many in your league, so beware: HC can assume many forms. HC can also be The Novice. His mortal enemy at the draft is another Hometown Charlie who wants to steal his precious players away.

The Host – this is the poor sap who got duped into hosting the event at his house. He’s usually more preoccupied with filling the chip bowls and keeping everyone’s feet of his furniture (or his wife’s gonna be PISSED!) that he doesn’t tend to draft very well. He usually always winds up getting screwed when not everyone kicks in money for the beer he bought but that he didn’t really get to drink. His mortal enemy at the draft is The Drunk who usually spills the equivalent of a 12 pack on the carpet and misses the toilet bowl.

The Idiot – this is the guy who year in and year out seemingly bought his first fantasy magazine on the way to the draft. His half-hearted commitment to the league (OK, I GUESS I’ll be in it.) makes him feel like he’s doing the rest of the league a favor and he doesn’t understand why everyone when gets mad when people are getting 5 o’clock shadows awaiting his next pick, and then he emerges from his magazine and blurts out the name of a guy taken 3 round earlier. He’s the butterfly to The Novice’s caterpillar. His mortal enemy at the draft is pretty much everyone else.

The Drunk – every league has one. That one guy who either shows up at the draft hammered or gets that way slowly over the course of the draft as the lagers start going down way too easy. He’s basically a rocket-fueled version of The Idiot. His impaired senses usually lead him to try to draft guys who retired from the NFL in the early 90’s, and the current player’s names he does manage to get out usually have an expletive inserted between the first and last name. (Give me Larry #&@*ing Johnson!) A few days later he’s out on the league message board trying to deal you one of the 4 tight ends he drafted. His mortal enemy at the draft is The Host, who threatens to cut him off.

Lord of the Hype – Inevitable there’s always someone in the league who falls for all the ESPN buzz about certain players, so they go out and reach for the next “it” guy long before he deserves to be drafted. This was the guy who took Reggie Bush in round 2 last year, and will undoubtedly have Vince Young as his starting QB this year (in Round 6 BTW) backed up by Matt Leinart. You can always expect him to go after the guys like Calvin Johnson and Adrian Peterson and any other of the “hot” rookies much earlier than they should be drafted. This is another mutation of The Novice who drafts based on name recognition alone. This person probably also enjoyed those “Who’s Now?” segments on SportsCenter. His mortal enemy is Chris Berman.

The Intimidator – No, we’re not talking about Dale Earnhardt. The Intimidator is the guy at the draft who likes to make quips in a low voice after everyone else’s picks. He utters things like “reach!” and “wow!” and “he’s not even on my sheet!” after everyone else’s picks trying to get them to question themselves. Seasoned players laugh him off, but he can wreak havoc on The Novice and The Idiot. (It also may provoke The Drunk to violence.) This is the guy whose team everyone wants to destroy when playing him.

The Scientist – The Scientist usually shows up at the draft with a laptop. On said laptop he’s usually designed some kind of Six Sigma spreadsheet that can pull up numerous statistics at will ranging from points scored to projections to the gross domestic product of Bolivia. He’s the guy who bugs The Host about wireless internet access. He pretty much keeps to himself but has a seething, fiery hate for The Novice, The Idiot, Hometown Charlie and anyone who dares not invest over 100 hours in their draft prep. His mortal enemy at the draft is Mr. Unconventional.

Mr. Unconventional – Some people just like to be different for the sake of being different. That’s Mr. U. You know him well. The guy who takes a TE in round 3, and doesn’t get his 2^nd RB until round 5. He’ll draft 3 defenses and a backup kicker just because he can. He’s the unknown variable in the equation and usually the recipient of many a quip from The Intimidator. He also wreaks havoc on The Scientist causing him to scream things like “DOES NOT COMPUTE!” when he sends all of his mock drafts and probable scenarios to hell in one fell swoop.

The Braggart – This is the guy in your league who in Round 4 blurts out how “unstoppable” his team looks. Not realizing that EVERYONE’S teams look unstoppable when they have 4 players. Later on when looking at his completed team he announces how he “doesn’t see how he can lose” which usually guarantees he’ll be 3-10 and out of the playoffs. This is a common offshoot of The Novice and The Idiot. His mortal enemy at the draft is usually himself.

The Wuss - this is the poor, hen-pecked sole who used to be a good friend but doesn’t get out much anymore. He looks to be in a constant state of worry during the draft, frequently looking at his watch and excusing himself from the room to answer cell phone calls from “someone.” He always wants to speed up the draft and hates The Novice because he takes too long to pick and risks further pissing off The Wuss’s spouse. The Wuss can also be anyone except The Host and The Drunk, for obvious reasons. His mortal enemy is the draft itself! Poor guy.