Will of the Gods?
At this time, I’d like you all to join me in a moment of silence for Tom Brady’s knee and about a million and a half fantasy teams worldwide. Just less than eight minutes into the new NFL season that we’d been anticipating like children at Christmastime, everything came to a crashing halt, both for “Tom Terrific” and for all those fantasy owners who’d drafted him for their squads, in many cases, just days prior. Regarding Mr. Brady, I truly feel sorry for him. He’s a great player and the league will be worse off without one of its marquee stars. But hey, at least he’s got his three Vince Lombardi trophies, stacks of money, and one of the hottest women on the planet to keep him company for the next 12 months. For those of you who drafted him for your fantasy teams, well, I have no such sympathies, and you have no such women. We warned you.
Now, you may have chalked up the whole thing to happenstance and a fluke play on Bernard Pollard’s part (unless you’re Randy Moss, that is). However, I have no doubt that the fantasy gods saw what was going on in drafts this year and were very displeased. Mr. Pollard was simply the tool with which they chose to smite the fantasy infidels. (No, Mr. Pollard, I didn’t just call you a tool; well, not a “tool.”) The fantasy gods are vengeful gods. It might be time to consider sacrificing a virgin. (Not to advocate suicide for so many of you. I kid, I kid.)?
But we warned you about the pitfalls of taking a quarterback in the first round of your draft. We hit you with all kinds of stats, trends, historical analysis, and enough “magic formulas” to make Walt Disney blush. We told you that a QB coming off one of the greatest seasons in NFL history had nowhere to go but down, and that wasn’t even taking the risk of injury into account. But nooooo, you just couldn’t resist, could you? You couldn’t say no to Brady’s rugged good looks, his babe impregnating prowess, and his fancy-schmancy 50 touchdown passes from 2007 (passes, mind you, worth nothing this year). You had to have him. So much so, that his average draft position on many sites this summer was as high as fifth or sixth overall. Ridiculous.
And now what do you do? Hopefully you grabbed another decent QB, but I?m guessing you didn’t, because you probably spent the next seven or eight draft picks on running backs, wide receivers, and early tight ends to try to cover up the cascading holes you created by taking Brady in the first round. Your backup QB is (if you’re lucky!) likely of the Jason Campbell, Jon Kitna ilk. You also probably said to yourself, “Who cares about the one bye week if I’m rolling Brady the other 12?” Well, now you care. And now you’ll be rueing that Brady pick for the next 12 weeks, as other teams beat you like a Tibetan monk at a Chinese police picnic.
Some of you are probably getting defensive, saying, “The RB I would’ve drafted in the first round could’ve been injured just as easily.” And to you I’d say: Well, he wasn’t. Not yet at least. And if he was, at least you?d still have a top QB to rely on, as opposed to now, when you’re stuck with a lower-tier QB and, at best, second- and third-round RBs. Trust me on this. I drafted Shaun Alexander with the eighth overall pick last year and still made it to the second round of the playoffs because I drafted Brady in the third round! You can survive the loss of a big RB, especially if your league is configured with flex spots, etc., that compel you to draft depth at the skill positions.
But am I saying this is an injury that’s impossible to recover from? No, not at all. The best and brightest among you will recover from the loss and go on to successful seasons, assuming you hit on some sleepers and can make a couple clutch free agent pickups. Trust me, I know. I?m a guy who owned Brady last year and got knocked out of the playoffs by a team that started Sage “The Jewish Rifle” Rosenfels at QB in Week 15. You don’t need a top guy to win, just a hot guy. (Wait…you know what I mean.) The point is, it’s only week two, bye weeks haven’t even started yet, and you’re stuck cringing at your new number one QB?s matchup while sifting through the fantasy dumpster, trying to decide if Matt Cassel can actually do anything that doesn’t involve a clipboard, or if Vince Young is totally batshit crazy? That?s the type of thing you want to be doing for speculation’s sake, for fun, not out of desperation.
Suddenly fantasy football seems a little less fun, doesn’t it? Unless you’re one of the 11 owners in your league who didn’t draft Brady. In that case, you?re probably basking in the schadenfreude and finding this article infinitely more amusing. Remember, kids, take an RB in the first round next year.
It’s the will of the Gods!!