Topic: The Amazing Case of the Burning Penis
So I know I havent exactly been around much as of late. What have I been doing? Well, you're about to find out.
So this whole online dating thing is like fishing with dynamite. Lonely girls looking for love in the entirely wrong place. (Hey sometimes, I even get to love them in the wrong place. Hey oh!)
By my count, I had sexual relations with 15 women last year. (9 by Bill Clinton's count.) But all is not well in Dan Land. Nooooo.
Our story begins in mid-December. Dan is sitting on his computer, much as he is today. And it had been a few weeks. Just as it is today. But there is one girl who Dan knows is good for it. So he rebuilds the burnt bridge. Then one night, as he's coming through the door, he gets a sext from her. He rushes off to the bar to meet her and her hideous friend. The three engage in awkward conversation for a half hour, until the girls pretend like they have to leave. Dan, being the gentleman that he is, offers to leave instead.
But before he does, he gets head from the lady. Tis only the right thing to do.
A week later, he gets another sext from her. He offers to take her out for lunch, but she refuses. She wants to come over. Alright, Dan agrees.
And come over she did. And fun was had by all. (Or at least by Dan)
Except later that week, Dan noticed something strange about himself. He felt an odd burning sensation where there was no odd burning sensation before. He noticed a difficulty peeing. He even noticed testicular pain.
Dan, being the responsible adult he is, set up an appointment at the local Walgreens, but they were not able to help him. So he went to a clinic. There they took a urine and blood sample. The doctor inspected Dan. It's a little cold in here, Dan insisted.
Dan waited for three agonizing days. The burning sensation become more than an annoyance. It made urination a 15 minute endeavour. The testicular pain grew more and more uncomfortable. Dan hoped for Clamydia or Gonorehea. Anything, so he could get the antibiotics and be cured.
Then at the end of the week Dan received a phone call. The test results were in. Dan was clean. No UTI. No HIV. No Hepititus. No Clamydia. No Gonorehea. No full-blown AIDS as Dan had been warning his poor mother about.
Dan was upset. "You mean I dont have Clamydia!" he exclaimed. "No," the nurse replied. "Then why does it burn when I pee and why do my testicules hurt!" "Ill have the doctor call you," the nurse lied.
But here it is. A new week. And the pain is mostly gone. I say mostly, because it's still there. Not really when I pee, but my penis is still sore. But it feels more like Ive beat it a little too hard and often, and less like it's being overrun by a bacterial infection from hell.
Is Dan cured? Hopefully. But all he knows, is from now on, he's going to slow down. No more sexing on the first date.
No. Dan promised his family that from now on, he'll wait until date number two.
Last edited by xlledx (2015-01-12 13:58:06)